• Understanding You

    Taking it One Day at a Time

    When I was diagnosed with OCD last year I wasn’t seeing much of my future. I was inside a bubble of fear, sure that nothing would ever change about me and that I was destined to be miserable for the rest of my life. The stability that I was going to gain didn’t seem logical and logical thinking was something that I had never really done anyway. My life felt as though it was going around and around and if the cycle was going to break I would to not only have to act different but think different. When your mentally ill your thoughts tend to overtake your life and…

  • Understanding You

    Sorry Me

    My mom was getting rid of some old letters and pictures when I came also a young picture of myself. My mom had walked away, while I was alone I looked at the pictures and kissed the smiling girl in her pretty outfit. I told her this, “what happened was not your fault. You were young and didn’t know what you were doing. I forgive you. God forgives you. I placed the picture down with tears forming in my eyes. I wasn’t wrong. For so long I blamed myself for things that happened in my past. As you get older you understand what you have done wrong in the past.…

  • Things That Bother Me Badly

    Things I Can’t Talk About

    I have a lot of things that have happened in my life that I am perfectly fine talking about. I can put almost anything out there, but somethings hold me back. Talking about certain things with my family and friends that make me uncomfortable. I recently published a post called “What Triggered My OCD.” I read the stats and saw that not too many people saw it and then deleted the post, the word document and deleted the trash. I was a little scared only two people saw it, but it was better than thirty. I am fearful of being judged for certain things in my life because I have…

  • A Day in the Life,  Anxiety,  Dealing With Stress

    Hiding You. I Mean Your Compulsions.

    No one understands compulsions. For starters, it’s hard to explain OCD to people period. A lot of the stresses that you go through most people think you should just get over. It’ hard to explain to people why you jump over cracks in the floor or why you only enter through doors on the left and never on the right. Those things make us feel better. Being around people that see you do this often isn’t a big deal. Family and friends who know you and your habits are used to you, but what do you do when you are around people who don’t know your habits? One of my…

  • A Day in the Life,  Things I Like

    Retail Therapy is Real Therapy ( Not Just For the Mentally Ill)

    I woke up early on Tuesday morning to head out with my mom to do some shopping. We had to travel all the way to Lawrenceville. I’m not an early bird. I went to bed about two in the morning hoping that I could run on adrenaline later on in the day. I was to be comfortable, so I needed sneakers, not heels, or sandals. All these factors mattered. When my mom woke me up later that morning I grudgingly rolled out of bed and prepared to go shopping at the thrift store. This was going to be the best therapy ever. This was my first time to a thrift…

  • A Day in the Life,  Understanding You

    I Have Three Mental Illnesses

    As I Googled OCD, I came across something rather interesting. OCD is no longer considered an anxiety disorder. For people who study anxiety this is rather fascinating news, but for me it was shocking. I can’t describe how I feel about this because if OCD was its own thing, that meant that I have three mental illnesses. How could this happen? A lot of times illnesses have the same symptoms as other illnesses, the only difference is the end result. So you get the same medicine for all of it. I wondered why my antidepressants covered my OCD and my newly discovered depression. I can’t believe that this was me.…

  • Anxiety,  Understanding You

    Coming Out About Me

    When I first got diagnosed with OCD/Anxiety, I didn’t want to tell anymore. I was embarrassed about having a mental illness. I wanted to be normal and normal didn’t mean taking meds to help my moods. But thinking back on it may have been my OCD that made me feel this way. When I got diagnosed with Depression, I embraced it. I was in denial about it for a few months. I even stopped taking my birth control believing it was the sole cause of my loss of joy, but I had been depressed for years. The first person I told about my illness was my friend who also had…

  • A Day in the Life,  Anxiety,  Dealing With Stress

    What Isn’t OCD?

    What is OCD? Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Not Overly Cleaning Dysfunction. I couldn’t think of anything else that was close. But it doesn’t mean cleaning all the time. I get tired of people thinking that. Cleaning can be a compulsion, but there are many more things. OCD is a mental illness that falls under anxiety but not anymore. But I don’t know what the people studying this stuff did but just know that if you have OCD you have anxiety. Anxiety can be healthy and normal when you’re facing a somewhat stressful situation. Things, like giving a big speech or taking a test, are good anxiety. Bad anxiety is forgetting rather…

  • Dealing With Stress,  Things That Bother Me Badly,  Understanding You

    Falling Into My Compulsions

    My worse compulsion is cleaning. I know we all have to clean to keep our houses and cars clean, but for most people, it’s a necessary evil. I find it to be more than that, cleaning for me is like breathing. Well maybe not that bad, but I do it a lot. I may do it a little too much. My cleaning is very obvious especially after guests leave. Guests raise my anxiety because to me they bring in certain things to the house that weren’t there before. I clean to get my house back to the cleanliness before they showed up. The bad part about falling into your compulsions…

  • Anxiety

    Even Numbers Are Bad

    I never understood why I needed things to be a specific number, but I just do. I don’t like even numbers. I find them to be dreadful. Even numbers throw off the balance and the balance is supposed to have a number in the center. When I researched OCD, I found out that counting is a thing. I don’t know why, but it is. There is no reason to have even when you could have odd. Odd numbers relieve my anxiety and make me feel at ease. If I go and buy yogurt at the store, I will get five. If I get brownies, I get three. I refuse to…