Sometimes when I get bored, I look stuff up on the internet that is in my head. I can look this stuff up for hours and eventually days trying to find things that validate my thoughts, but in all, I’m obsessing.
I haven’t done it in a long time because I was busy and my mind couldn’t wander because I was focused on work. What I realized is that I can never truly let things die or let facts lay as they are. I have to dig and understand, even if I lose sleep.
The worst part is that I try to validate my feelings by telling other people and hope they feel the same. I am guilty of telling my mom everything to get reassurance and to feel that I’m correct.
I am not always correct and I can’t always accept that. As my brother says my opinions are not facts, but I feel that way and try to make opinions facts in my head.
Until I’m satisfied, I can be on the internet for hours trying to understand why people think so differently than me. I never recognized it as my OCD until recently. I thought that maybe I was just curious and trying to learn new things and gain knowledge, but no I don’t care about any of those things.
I want to stop because I know that this can affect me in the feature. The main topic I search right now is babies and my second is parenting. Which is weird because I don’t have kids, so why do I look up stuff about kids. I can’t give you a definite answer. But I know how I want to raise my kids, but I could become the complete opposite of what I think I may become and that scares me. This has a lot to do with control. I want to always be in control of my surroundings and my life but it is also my OCD.
If I was writing this ten years ago, I would have been telling you about how much I obsess over mermaids and how they could out there somewhere. I wanted to create stories about mermaids so they had to fit my description of what I was thinking they were.
If I’m not researching then I am on social media all the time trying to find something interesting, something that I can latch onto and obsess over for the next few hours or days.
I feel bad for my mom, she is a trooper, I tell her stuff that I’m sure she never wanted to know and never wanted to hear. But she understands I’m OCD.
Now if I could only stop obsessing and find something else productive to do.