Unfortunately for me my first sexual experience was when I was 3-years-old. This is shocking, I know, but it happened and I can’t change it. After months of therapy (God forbid if I had to stay in therapy for years) I was able to finally able to talk about my sexual abuse with tearing up and breaking down.
I was happy to finally get to this point. I was proud of myself for being brave enough to tell my story and heal. But there was one part of the healing process that I hadn’t actually gotten around to yet.
As I told my mom, if I had known that my sexual abuse would affect me this much I would have told her sooner.
What I haven’t realize is how my abuse affected the way I see sex. I never got a positive introduction into sex because someone else stole that experience from me. I have read and heard and listened to people stay that sex is a natural and beautiful thing, but it is hard for me to grasp that. I feel that it is dirty and should be hidden.
Since most people don’t think the way I do, it’s hard to discuss my feelings. Sex is complicated for me. I know how I am supposed to see sex but I don’t always see it as it should be.
But changing my mind on how I see sex is more complex than just turning on an on/off switch. It will take a little bit of time. I wil have to learn to understand that I am not terrible or dirty for thinking or wondering about sex.
I have plenty of time to figure this out because I am saving sex for marriage. I just pray I figure this out before I get married.