All my life I had this underlying fear that one day I was going to be molested by any man I was close to and even strangers. I used to think I was weird because at a young age all my thought revolved around sex. But due to my traumatic life events that made sense.
As I began to heal and understand how my sexual abuse affected my life certain fears have resurfaced in my head. I know that I’m not weird, but I’m scarred and it’s hard to erase that.
I’m not scared of men to where I can’t talk to them. I have great conversations with everyone I meet. As I said before I can be sociable when I want to be. I’m scared of men who approach me to date. I go from being a perfectly normal twenty-three year to back to my four-year-old self.
In my head, I feel as though I should let them do anything they want to me and I just take it and say nothing. I know that they are the worse possible thoughts, but I revert to being scared instead of taking charge.
When my grandma to me I needed to learn how to say no to men, it hit me hard. I do say no, but it’s not the stern no she was talking about. I feel almost obligated to talk to men and entertain them.
My main problem is that I have to realize and I am realizing, is that I am not a sexual object. I am a person and I have a say so in my life, but for some reason, it’s hard for me to say it. I don’t want to make the men I meet mad. The same way I didn’t want to make my brother mad when he wanted to molest me.
To take control of my body is my ultimate goal. That may sound weird, but I don’t think I really have done it before. I have to right to say no and to wear what I want to wear without feeling guilty and saying to myself how I shouldn’t have worn that.
I have a right to my own body. No one has a say in what I get to do with it and how I should treat it according to their propose. I have dealt with these emotions my whole life, but I finally understand them.
I know not every man wants to rape me, but I know that some of them want more than just a nice date. I have every right to say no. I am going to not feel bad for saying no. It’s my right to say no and frankly, they can get over it if they don’t like my answer.
The first step of healing is admitting you have a problem. I have many problems, but this one will not dominate my life. I deserve to have a healthy dating life. I have never said that before, but I will continue to say it now.