I have finally realized why I don’t date. It was kind of like an epiphany. I never felt good enough to date any man. This is weird because I have been asked out by many guys. It wasn’t that these guys weren’t attractive or that they were weird. I was actually the weird one.
I feel like a child. I feel that I didn’t know how to be in a relationship. Well, the thing is that I don’t think anyone does. Relationships are complicated and about two people not just yourself. That’s the part I can’t move past. I’m still working on me. How can I deal with someone else at the same time?
It did not feel possible to me. But as I’ve been dealing with myself I’m starting to understand me. I wasn’t some girl that was undatable. I made myself undatable because I couldn’t find my self-worth. I felt violated used and worthless.
I was scared that all my relationships would force me to have sex. I wasn’t ready for that. I already had an early introduction to sex and it wasn’t positive. I didn’t want to go through it again. I also thought that if I made it clear that sex was not something I wasn’t willing to offer the relationship would be immediately over.
These are ideas created in my head but also my fears. I’m scared to date. But not as much as before. I won’t say I’m completely scared but nervous and that’s normal. But I blur the lines of normal and weird all the time.
I know that there are things about myself that I have recently gotten over and as I’m healing I’m becoming more open to having a boyfriend. I know that this isn’t going to happen immediately. I don’t want to date just any guy that asks me out. I’ve done that before and it was bad. That’s another story. I will let it happen on God’s timing. He has perfect timing. When it happens it will be gradual; that’s the way God works.