My mom was getting rid of some old letters and pictures when I came also a young picture of myself. My mom had walked away, while I was alone I looked at the pictures and kissed the smiling girl in her pretty outfit. I told her this, “what happened was not your fault. You were young and didn’t know what you were doing. I forgive you. God forgives you.
I placed the picture down with tears forming in my eyes. I wasn’t wrong. For so long I blamed myself for things that happened in my past. As you get older you understand what you have done wrong in the past. There is no reason to blame yourself as if you know exactly what you are doing.
Forgiveness isn’t something that you do just for others, but for yourself too. I have a hard time forgiving myself for things I’ve done in the past. This causes me to have a lot of self-hate and self-doubt. I want to make up for the things I’ve done wrong in my life.
In a way I’m punishing myself for things I’ve done wrong, but how much more can I take. I can’t torture myself for my wrongdoings. I also can’t torture myself for other’s trespasses against me. Because of what others have done to me I live in the past hoping to get the opportunity to have the experiences that I’ve lost again, but that can never happen.
My childhood is over. I can never go back and I can never redo. I can only move forward. But to move forward I have to tell myself my molestation wasn’t my fault and that I have to forgive myself for hiding it for years. I can’t get those years back, but I can’t hide in the house trying to relive my life. There is more to life than the past.
I have a glorious future and to get to that future I just have to take one step forward. It can be the tiniest step, but at least it’s progress.