Quite frankly as I have gone through my OCD problems I realized how hard my illness clashed with my faith. It was bad enough that I couldn’t stop worrying but at the same time, I prayed to a God I very much believed it.
My OCD made our connect kind of weak, like very bad wifi. I went to church every week and listened to what God had to tell me, but at the same time, I couldn’t apply the information to myself. I wanted to fall into my compulsions and worries because to me it felt safer. Somehow safer wasn’t in the arms of The Lord.
I felt bad explaining this to people of faith because I knew they wouldn’t understand me like I wanted them to. I needed them to understand why I had to do things a certain amount of times and why I hold on to stupid superstitions. These things made me feel safe.
It was funny that I could pray about getting over a cold, but I couldn’t pray for my OCD to be controlled. I let my illness run rapidly over my life when I should have been praying. For me, it was more like “excuse me Jesus let me ask my OCD first.”
I wanted so hard to not think about God because I found it hard to ask Him for what I needed. I felt safe inside my bubble of OCD. But OCD is not my god. OCD was an idol I served and offered things to make myself feel better.
I was never sure how God felt because I never asked Him. If I asked Him I would have to take responsibly and change. But change is hard and it is not comfortable. Praying didn’t make me feel good because the thoughts that came into my head made me not want to pray anymore.
No one ever told me what it was like to have thoughts in your head you wanted to go away. I wish it was something that people told you. People made it seems as though Christianity was easy, but it wasn’t. It was hard work and dedication that sometimes I questioned, only because my OCD made me.
But my OCD was the same way. As I began to actually pray and attempted to change I could actually see things in a better light. There was actually a God who loved me. He wasn’t something people were making up. The small gifts He gave me each day made me want to fight my OCD instead of hiding under it.
I knew that I could hide under God instead of under my fears. My fears could not control me if I didn’t let it. During these past few months I have been doing better and God and I are on the same wifi and it’s fabulous. I know He won’t kick me off.
As I try to divorce OCD I realized what to do so I will never get back to where I was. I want to grow and build a better relationship with God; that’s the best thing for me.