I had a mental breakdown today. Yes, ironic that I didn’t follow my own advice, but I was really in my feelings. I have a hard time dealing with change. It becomes my downfall a lot of times. My parents are the best at helping me, but it’s taking the help that is the problem. I know that it is easy, but I find it hard to move forward. So what happened to me today?
I went to the psychiatrist to get my prescription. I go about every two months. The medicine normally lasts me all the way to then. Today as I sat down across from my psychiatrist I told her how I had been doing the past few weeks. I was honest. I didn’t even think it was a big deal. After about fifteen minutes of talking, she told me that I was going to have to up my dosage. This was fine. I knew that my obsessions were not really getting that much better. I was okay with this. I moved on with my day.
Later on, when I was hanging out with my mom that’s when everything went downhill. She told me she wanted me to join a support group. That hit me. Why did she want me to do that? Everything happy about my mood changed. When my mom told me to join a support group, I felt as though I made little to no progress getting better with my OCD.
I wondered why was I doing all of this and nothing was changing. Everything felt like a waste of time and effort. I didn’t want to continue doing anything anymore. I knew that some things were hard for me to change, but today was like everyone was holding up a mirror yelling “you made no progress.”
I cried because I felt like a failure. I didn’t think that I could get any better. I didn’t see the point in continuing anything that I was already doing. All of this frustrated my mom. She has always been supportive even though I have been selfish and unyielding. Frankly, I trust her opinion the most. When she said she hasn’t seen anything change about me, I took it to heart. I know that one opinion shouldn’t matter, but my mom’s opinion always has. She looks out for my best interest.
When I was little. She always tried to make me the best me. I grew up to surpass her expectations and became an overachiever, but at the same time, I put unnecessary pressure on myself to be perfect. This was not something she asked of me, but I decided to do it to make her proud. So that’s why I had the breakdown because it was almost as if she wasn’t approving of the way I was right now.
Support groups are supposed to help people and I know that, but it felt like overkill to me. I already have to take medicine, see a psychiatrist, and go to therapy every week. I didn’t want to add more to what I was already doing because it feels overwhelming to me. I remember having this same problem with the medicine a few months ago. Therapy wasn’t enough, now the medicine isn’t either. I feel like what is enough. Right now I don’t know.
As I cried I started to reveal things to my mom I hadn’t even told my therapist. She was happy she knew the information, but it was stuff I didn’t want her to know. After I calmed down. She was able to speak to me and love on me, Then my dad came home and did the same thing. He told me “the old Tiara is gone as of today.” There was no more feeling sorry for myself and having low self-esteem. I had to be the best me I can be.
The advice my mom gave me is this. Everything in life is a choice. You choose how you handle situations. You can’t break down every time you face adversity. I know that I have the most problem with this. So after I calmed down I went upstairs to my room and thought about nothing. Afterward, I made amends with my mom. This day was tough, but the road ahead will be tougher. But I do know that both my mom and dad are here to support me. They always will.