As I Googled OCD, I came across something rather interesting. OCD is no longer considered an anxiety disorder. For people who study anxiety this is rather fascinating news, but for me it was shocking. I can’t describe how I feel about this because if OCD was its own thing, that meant that I have three mental illnesses. How could this happen? A lot of times illnesses have the same symptoms as other illnesses, the only difference is the end result. So you get the same medicine for all of it. I wondered why my antidepressants covered my OCD and my newly discovered depression.
I can’t believe that this was me. This is who I am, a depressed, anxious, girl with OCD. It sounded better to put it that way. One of the biggest lessons I learned this year is that anything can happen to you. You can’t exclude yourself just because you don’t want it to happen.
When I first thought I could be depressed I was fifteen years old sitting in my sorry therapist’s office. I never thought of it again until my twenties in which I was already taking an antidepressant for something else. I knew that I wasn’t focused, but I didn’t think that was the cause. I just thought I was bored with what I was doing, but at the time I was bored with everything. Denial became a friend to me. I broke up with it very soon.
The more I find out about myself, the more I understand how those people in those commercials are supposed to feel (I mean the one about depression and at the end, they say this medication can cause you to want to commit suicide. Yeah. That one.) I wish I had paid attention to myself earlier, but I refused to think anything was wrong with me.
If nothing was wrong with me, then that meant that I was perfect, but that’s not true. I’m still a wonderful person. I just have a splash of OCD with some anxiety and a side of depression.