When people ask if I have a boyfriend I get this feeling in my the pit of my stomach. I answer honestly and then move on. I feel that people judge me on something that I am not ready to do. In society’s standards, I should at least have one or two boyfriends, but I haven’t dated since I was eighteen and that only lasted a brief while.
I am scared to date other men because I don’t want them to see the real me. The real me isn’t the pretty girl they see in pictures, but just a person they think they see. For a long time, I told people I didn’t date because I was scared of how I would handle a relationship. I didn’t feel mentally ready to take that step and it seemed that everyone else was going through the motions. Older people tell me it’s good to wait, but am I really waiting for the right reasons? I know I do have high standards, but that is only a fraction of the reasons to why I turn men down.
When I go out with a guy, I want to be comfortable being myself and not pretend to be someone else. I need someone who understands me and not just say they do so they can get closer to accomplishing their goals with me. I want the experience of being in a healthy relationship but I don’t want to rush it. I feel that my mind gets the best of me.