OCD Caused Me to Not Take Birth Control

I started taking birth control not too long ago, but for me, the decision wasn’t easy; there were a few hiccups along the way. For starters, I was scared to take the pill. This may sound crazy to you, but I was scared I was just going to start having sex. This logic makes no sense, but to me it did. I was going to go lose my virginity because I was on birth control. I mean, my risks for pregnancy was going to be slimmer, but that still scared me. I had made a promise to both God and myself to not have sex until marriage. But deep down inside I felt that some crazy, sex-driven monster was going to come out of me and I was going to hump every guy I thought was cute.

When I told my mom that the pill would cause me to have sex, she thought I was crazy. I couldn’t explain to her I was hiding some deep sexual monster inside me. I decided not to take the pill; with this decision, I ended up having my period on vacation. I was pissed with my body but I still had an awesome vacation.

I convinced myself that the pill would somehow change me and make me something I didn’t want to be. I was scared of being fat. I was scared of the side effects that were rare but could happen. Taking estrogen when I already had some didn’t sound right to me, but I was making up excuses for why birth control could be evil. I constantly researched birth control to see if it was bad. I became obsessed with knowing how it would affect me but the conclusion was it was safe. There was nothing to fear except hormone changes which ended up being caused by another medication.

After some thought, I made up my mind that I was going to take it; end of the discussion. When I went to the gynecologist to have my pap smear I asked my doctor to put me on the pill. She was kind of hesitant. She was trying to make sure I wasn’t going to have sex, but that wasn’t her business. I told her the truth.

I wanted to skip my period because it wasn’t the best thing in the world. I cramped a lot and got nauseous. I remember my OCD raging. I felt I was betraying myself. I told myself I was never going to take birth control, but I shut those thoughts out. I put my OCD on mute. I took the pills for a few months until I convinced myself they were making me depressed. Yeah, I found other women with the same issue. I also found another reason to not take them. Once I was diagnosed with OCD I thought more clearly; this was due to my antidepressant. After a few months of therapy and taking my meds, I realized I was actually depressed, and not because of the birth control. I took the pills again to skip my period and I’ve been taking them ever since.

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